Friday, 22 December 2017

A Letter to 19 Year Old Venoshia Vellasamy

Dear Venoshia,

Hi – You’re about to turn 30 in approximately 2 weeks, and i'd like to share something with you.

You are probably sitting and scrolling Friendster in that room of yours, Block G for Gandhi in Inti International University - taking a break from understanding the infamous case of Donoghue v. Stevenson (1932) , for your final Law Paper.

Venoshia, luck wouldn’t be on your side (yet again), you’ll be scoring a C Minus which will only qualify you a partial pass certificate in A levels, halting your plans to continue the Bachelor of Arts Programme in Inti University in March 2008.

Tomorrow, you would miraculously forget the essence of Donoghue v. Stevenson; you will forget the story of the snail in the bottle. Nonetheless you would walk out of the exam hall feeling extremely excited about that Bachelor’s programme that you would walk up to the faculty to sign up for the Jan 2008 programme , using your trial grades – because you thought despite forgetting the case study of D V. S, you would have nailed the others. (You still have this very odd sense of confidence)

You didn’t obviously.

Come March 2008, you would be looking at your laptop screen, aghast. You would hyper-ventilate a little bit, before you call your confidante (and mom) Kalai Chelvi to share the unfortunate news.

Kalai Chelvi as a believer of miracles never would feel hopeless or say things that would let you down regardless because she never believed in a dead end. NEVER.

She would calm you down, tell you to first shower and to pray for a good 15 mins, and then walk to the cafeteria to grab something quick before you make your way to the faculty to discuss ‘possibilities’.

Like a religion, you would listen to her, because that would give you hope. Every step you take to the faculty would question your chances of scoring an exemption to this. You are 2 and half months down the Degree programme, you are about to complete the first semester – and this happened.

As you walk towards the faculty, you would try so hard to digest Kalai Chelvi’s aspirations and beliefs. But you would just listen to her at that time, because whatever she said to you on the phone was more or less like a Sermon on Hope.

You would then experience what we fashionably call the ‘Worst Case Scenario’ – where this person you had to call your ‘Head of Department’ would question your faith in God and you would get extremely upset – BUT, you would remain calm because your belieF is stronger than his filthy mind. You would be in your best behaviour and 9 years later – I must say that I am extremely proud of you!

You would find a corner in campus to call up mom then and cry like a hungry baby – you would be sad and everything else would seem hopeless. I must warn you that during the conversation, Kalai Chelvi will try to fit her wisdom about things you neglected along the way – it would annoy you but you would not say anything because you accept and respect her, although you know it was not really the time to highlight things like that – again Venoshia, I am proud of you.

The pep talk would last about 10 mins before she comes up with another brilliant idea- asking you to pen down an appeal to which she will ask you to personally hand it to the co-founder of Inti – Prof Dr Lee Fah Onn.

You would die a little inside when you hear this, you would be afraid to approach him- But the feisty ‘little’ Kalai Chelvi will not let you walk out. She would push you with multiple phone calls – until you would have to explain to her that you need some time out to prepare the appeal letter.

In the next two hours, you would score an appointment with Dr Lee, who would read your letter and ask you :

“You have the first set of Communications exams in April 2008, and the next round of A-Levels exams is also in April – in fact a week after your Degree papers – we are talking about 8 theory papers here all together”

With a heartbeat – you would say “Yes, Prof I’m up for it”

You would be given a second chance to redo your final set of A-Levels papers to qualify for the Degree programme that you are already in – and the rest is history.

10 years later, I am proud of you, 20 year old Venoshia. With a little push from Kalai Chelvi, you strive.

You were a zombie for about 30 days ; but you survived 6 pre uni papers from 3 subjects (Law, Economics and Business) and 4 first year papers (Comm History, Comm Theory, Human Comm and Sociology).

When you walk into the second semester, you would tell yourself ‘You did good Venoshia, you handled a storm’ – Well, you underestimated yourself then babe.

That's your face after you passing the papers #mandatoryselfie (Hashtags, you will learn soon)

In the next 9 years, you would be looking at hurricanes, cyclones, and typhoons - same weather conditions but of different names to explain different situations. And every time these happened, you would recall this little incident of self discovery.

And 9 years later, Kalai Chelvi is still the same person. Forever beautiful in and out. You still question her beliefs, but then you would recall these little things she had done over the years to hold on to that inner spirit of yours. You would always thank her for not letting you ‘shut down’. 


9 years later, you would hear of Prof Dr Lee’s passing, and you would cry recalling the good times he gave you throughout your time in Inti. You would recall walking to his office to share your plans and progress and how he saw you as the ‘PR Girl’ before anyone else. You would cry that the world lost an excellent educator like Prof Dr Lee.


Emeritus Prof Dr Lee Fah Onn, the man that made things happen. RIP Sir


In March 2008, you would walk up to that HOD of yours and politely tell him how fate continues to strengthen your faith in God. You would tell him to reevaluate his values and approach as an educator.

Otherwise, 9 years later, after a handful of incidents and a few extra pounds - you are ok.

And that's you in 2017, you are 29 and part the coffee drinking cult (I know!)

till my next letter..

Love,
The Almost 30, You.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Unloading and Settling In

I brought four travel luggages, 5 big IKEA bags and about 6 big boxes of stuff to Langkawi in June 2017.

It was a nightmare moving stuffs to an island, especially when you’re dead BROKE. 

I didn’t know how things were going to work out in the Island; I didn’t know if I would like it, I didn’t know if I was going to fit in well. 

I was Jon Snow. I packed my bags (and boxes) and left. To be honest, it feels pretty cool to say that out loud now.

I packed my bags and fled to an island. I just did. 

And currently.... blogging here. Yes, WHO KNEW!





oh, Hi! 

When I got here, I strategically placed all my stuff in a corner (out of my sight) so that I can ignore it forever.

Every night I told myself - ‘This weekend we are going to unpack and sort these things out’ 

I may have repeated this a gazillion times in my life – MY BRAIN IS A WAR ZONE. It is a tiring place to be, making it even more difficult to do ‘normal’ things – unpacking, de-cluttering and cleaning can be a teeth pulling experience for me. 

It was pointless to set personal goals, prepare lists, and set timelines. Funny that didn’t happen for work.

Every day I retired on my bed saying ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ – unfortunately every ‘tomorrow’ was overwhelming. 

Instead, to keep myself going, I had late nights of binging on Pinterest, self help articles/videos by Martha, Oprah and Ellen and then 9 weeks later it finally dawned on me. 

Instead of a mental breakdown, I had a mental breakthrough this time. LOL
At 10 p.m on a Thursday night, I started unpacking and I finished at 1 a.m. I took my shower and slept like a baby, feeling extremely proud of myself. 

I went back to work the next day, and this time made a list of things I have to look into in the next three weeks. 

And then three weeks of work happened and things are alright now 

You might not be able to connect the dots – between clutter and an emotional turmoil; but some of you might understand the struggle. 

An organised space makes you feel useless on top of everything you are already feeling, and then probably overwhelmed over the change of environment and lifestyle – you’ll have tons of episodes to hit. Both keep feeding on each other and you will see no end to it. 

One thing I thank the universe for daily is for giving me the spirit to strive no matter how bad it gets. 

It’s OK to be on an ‘Abstain mode’ for a while, but at the back of your mind always remember things will get better. 

It is really OK to be sad for a while – just DON’T give up – The universe has better plans for you. 

Trust me

Look Up, Persist Queen. 

Love, 
V

Monday, 31 July 2017

An Overnight Shutterbug, #Vchromed

A year ago, I had the opportunity to be part of this amazing brand that changed my life entirely. Thanks, Huawei.

So that's what PR does to you - for me at least it gets me all obsessed about a brand you once had no clue about.

Huawei introduced me to Smartphone photography. Before that smartphone photography was merely for vain selfies, groupfies, OOTDs, gatherings, and social updates.

#Vchromed (pronounced Vee-Chromed, like Past tense for Chrome) started after a photography workshop we then hosted for consumers - and I then had the opportunity to meet and learn from Aqmal Hadi Shapee (Instagram handle: Morpheuse) and the rest is just history.

My first for @Vchromed; I decided to call this one Baby Steps, marking my first attempt in photography. 
Location: KLCC 


I remember walking into the Leica store that day for the workshop feeling obnoxious about life. But things changed in 30mins. That’s exactly how long it took – and then I became an overnight shutterbug. 

Intermission: Please for the love of God - I am not claiming myself to be a professional, I am a shutterbug. I use a Smartphone to take photos. And I am here to share about a hobby - I am not undermining the professionals or the pundits. 

Many often told me: 'why black and white la, things look better in color. Those days no color lens so they had no choice' - Thanks. I honestly had no idea. 

See, the thing, like most people I don't see monochrome photography as a technical limitation - It's my creative choice. 

This whole 'limitations' that you claim - 'propels' me to see things differently. Monochrome images are not 'Throwbacks' or 'timeless' or whatever - 

I look at it as an emotion, a connection towards a face, act, or place - a subject without the 'distraction' of colour. Isn't that what life should be raw and undivided? 


See What I mean? 'Distraction' 
But in this case, who else deserves all the attention on Thaipusam eve?
Location: Batu Caves 

With Zero colour - it's purely about the connection that we are looking for in almost everything we are exposed to. The light plays its part - fair and square. 

Chatuchak Market, it started raining when I was in the midst of shopping. 
God's call probably to reminded me about my bank balance. 
Location: Bangkok

Hindu Rituals that usually starts at 4 am and take hours to finish. 
And the only way to stay awake for lunch... 
Location: Ipoh 

Whatever you see on that Instagram handle – is something I got connected with and something that made my soul smirk a little. 

My dad and his 'me time' with the newspaper. 
His 'need' for newspapers amuses me every time. 
Location: KLIA 2


My mom spending some quiet time alone with Shirdi Sai, praying for the family 
Location: Penang 

My sister who was sick but slaying it in my mom's saree 
Location: Johor Bahru

My famous best friend who's always my muse. Also, me occasionally taking advantage of him for organic likes/engagement. But the emotions in this one - one of my favorites. 
Location: Ipoh

So Happy First Birthday @Vchromed, my baby.

Thanks for keeping me sane and connected to the world, I’ll take you everywhere I go and I hope you continue to inspire the small pool of followers you have earned over the last 365 days.

Also - please follow me on Instagram? – I am not the best, but as friends – I could use some support once in awhile.

And oh! Speak soon.

Love,
V

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Making Peace, Moving On..

39 days since I moved away from the Concrete Jungle - Kuala Lumpur.

I have not unpacked - I am still settling in and this is not exactly a story about how I am happily beach-bumming in an island. (Not yet at least)

Exactly 6 months before my big 30 - I left the city that I survived and got extremely comfortable with.

Before that: I am not a writer, so if you are here for literature - please look for a library. What you'll be reading here and moving forward is exactly how I would sound when I am actually speaking to you. It's a conversation.

What Happened?

It actually started off as #Almost30 in a Starbucks outlet in Petaling Jaya, I was 'Almost 29' then. I typed this really long story about how I wanted my life to change, but at that time it was farfetched and I decided to shelf the article.

I was not in the best place - physically and mentally. It felt like every door and light in a room was shutting down and I was stuck in a dark cold room.

There were tragedies, regrets, road closures, bitterness - and lots and lots of HOPE that clutched on to - which didn't do much justice in the end anyway.

I finished the article and realized - it was pathetic. So I shelved it. BYE.

Also, why should I torment you guys with such a story anyways - what did you do to deserve this. LOL. It was My Battle.

When I broke the news about moving to Langkawi, the first thing people asked me was - 'why'?

I have been the ' WHY Person’ all my life (my sister calls me the 'Why Baby' because I question everything) - and I have, trust me - made tons of 'pros and cons' lists that it wasn't funny anymore. The one thing I listed down that got me thinking over and over again was - Making Peace.

Making peace with myself, because I allowed the universe to take control of my life - my brain and thoughts were reprimanded.

Till this date I hear my brain telling me about the things I did wrong - you don't want to be in my head.

The Chronology of 'Lapse'

Brain: 'Why isn't God your salvation here?' - My brain questioned my heart (daily)... it then pumped up the courage for me to question the universe - only to be shunned yet again.

And then it happened - my brain cells and the heart started rejecting me. It was a WHY/HOW/WHAT/WHO/WHEN situation every day 24/7.

My pulse became the battle cry - the only thing I could hear every day as I force myself up every morning trying to face yet another exhausting day.

There were times I wanted the battle cry to stop, just stop, no pressure, no more tears, no pain. Just peace and quiet. shush.

1000s of people around and still nothing made sense. Once I am home, I hear my pulse again.

The next morning, I put on my makeup and my well-fitted pencil dress and go back to work.

And That's exactly how Makeup does wonders - it hides your darkest secrets. (and your eye bags).

It felt as if I was robbed - the universe took away many things from me - love, passion, happiness, job satisfaction, affinity- everything and yet there was my pulse, still there loud and clear.

My Pulse was pretty much the loudest thing to me.

And then it finally made sense, I was not fighting a 1000 man army, I was fighting with my brain - and I was tired. Tired of my own battle. I had to do something before my pulse stopped.

and So Langkawi - the Island that chose me. The island that accepted me and a backlog of emotions. Something I struggled with for what seemed like a LONG time.

These days my heart seems calmer - I think 'she' is slowly trying to forgive me. 'She' doesn't beat that hard or fast anymore.

My brains - 'she' thinks too much, so many questions - I'll give her a little more time. I am giving 'her' alternatives - by cooking, daily strolls at the beach, also through lots of research on avoiding Geckos. 'She' is occupied for now.

As for my pulse - I thank 'her' every day for not boycotting or giving up on me.

I am also going to thank those who are helping me make peace with myself. Thank you for calling and texting. Thank you for checking on my health, diet and well being, thank you for reminding me that I am doing better than before.

On my side, in preparation for my 30th - I have been on a diet, a proper skin regime, and a mind blowing- yet decent wine experience. (Yes - I do indulge in some alcoholic beverages, I am glad that's out of the bag now)

I wrote this to tell you and myself that I was emotionally disconnected for a while, but that's ok. It’s ok to be disconnected for a while – just try not to get comfortable with that.

I miss the city, I miss the good food, I miss my friends who were always available for me, I miss the 2.15-hour train rides to Ipoh, I miss spending time with my parents.

I swear I miss all of these and a lot more - but I also miss having happy thoughts and I am working towards becoming the woman who once lived her all - AGAIN.
I am healing. My instagram stories of the beach and the waves - those are 30 seconds of recovery stories. To remind me of the progress I am making.

What I am sure now - I have accepted whatever it is, I have accepted that I can no longer hold on to things/feelings.

#Almost30 has been discarded because I only have 4 more months to go and #BrownGirlTales is all about battling and soul searching at the same time for the next 50 years or so (if I get to live up to 80)

Why?

Because I am a Capricorn and Capricorn women will always be bad b*itches.

Take it from Michelle Obama, Mary J Blige, and VENOSHIA..






The Happy Hippie

I am tired of apologising to myself for not being consistent - here.  But again, I refuse to be hard on myself, again because my writer’s bl...