I have not unpacked - I am still settling in and this is not exactly a story about how I am happily beach-bumming in an island. (Not yet at least)
Exactly 6 months before my big 30 - I left the city that I survived and got extremely comfortable with.
Before that: I am not a writer, so if you are here for literature - please look for a library. What you'll be reading here and moving forward is exactly how I would sound when I am actually speaking to you. It's a conversation.
What Happened?
It actually started off as #Almost30 in a Starbucks outlet in Petaling Jaya, I was 'Almost 29' then. I typed this really long story about how I wanted my life to change, but at that time it was farfetched and I decided to shelf the article.
I was not in the best place - physically and mentally. It felt like every door and light in a room was shutting down and I was stuck in a dark cold room.
There were tragedies, regrets, road closures, bitterness - and lots and lots of HOPE that clutched on to - which didn't do much justice in the end anyway.
I finished the article and realized - it was pathetic. So I shelved it. BYE.
Also, why should I torment you guys with such a story anyways - what did you do to deserve this. LOL. It was My Battle.
When I broke the news about moving to Langkawi, the first thing people asked me was - 'why'?
I have been the ' WHY Person’ all my life (my sister calls me the 'Why Baby' because I question everything) - and I have, trust me - made tons of 'pros and cons' lists that it wasn't funny anymore. The one thing I listed down that got me thinking over and over again was - Making Peace.
Making peace with myself, because I allowed the universe to take control of my life - my brain and thoughts were reprimanded.
Till this date I hear my brain telling me about the things I did wrong - you don't want to be in my head.
The Chronology of 'Lapse'
Brain: 'Why isn't God your salvation here?' - My brain questioned my heart (daily)... it then pumped up the courage for me to question the universe - only to be shunned yet again.
And then it happened - my brain cells and the heart started rejecting me. It was a WHY/HOW/WHAT/WHO/WHEN situation every day 24/7.
My pulse became the battle cry - the only thing I could hear every day as I force myself up every morning trying to face yet another exhausting day.
There were times I wanted the battle cry to stop, just stop, no pressure, no more tears, no pain. Just peace and quiet. shush.
1000s of people around and still nothing made sense. Once I am home, I hear my pulse again.
The next morning, I put on my makeup and my well-fitted pencil dress and go back to work.
And That's exactly how Makeup does wonders - it hides your darkest secrets. (and your eye bags).
It felt as if I was robbed - the universe took away many things from me - love, passion, happiness, job satisfaction, affinity- everything and yet there was my pulse, still there loud and clear.
My Pulse was pretty much the loudest thing to me.
And then it finally made sense, I was not fighting a 1000 man army, I was fighting with my brain - and I was tired. Tired of my own battle. I had to do something before my pulse stopped.
and So Langkawi - the Island that chose me. The island that accepted me and a backlog of emotions. Something I struggled with for what seemed like a LONG time.
These days my heart seems calmer - I think 'she' is slowly trying to forgive me. 'She' doesn't beat that hard or fast anymore.
My brains - 'she' thinks too much, so many questions - I'll give her a little more time. I am giving 'her' alternatives - by cooking, daily strolls at the beach, also through lots of research on avoiding Geckos. 'She' is occupied for now.
As for my pulse - I thank 'her' every day for not boycotting or giving up on me.
I am also going to thank those who are helping me make peace with myself. Thank you for calling and texting. Thank you for checking on my health, diet and well being, thank you for reminding me that I am doing better than before.
On my side, in preparation for my 30th - I have been on a diet, a proper skin regime, and a mind blowing- yet decent wine experience. (Yes - I do indulge in some alcoholic beverages, I am glad that's out of the bag now)
I wrote this to tell you and myself that I was emotionally disconnected for a while, but that's ok. It’s ok to be disconnected for a while – just try not to get comfortable with that.
I miss the city, I miss the good food, I miss my friends who were always available for me, I miss the 2.15-hour train rides to Ipoh, I miss spending time with my parents.
I swear I miss all of these and a lot more - but I also miss having happy thoughts and I am working towards becoming the woman who once lived her all - AGAIN.
I am healing. My instagram stories of the beach and the waves - those are 30 seconds of recovery stories. To remind me of the progress I am making.
What I am sure now - I have accepted whatever it is, I have accepted that I can no longer hold on to things/feelings.
#Almost30 has been discarded because I only have 4 more months to go and #BrownGirlTales is all about battling and soul searching at the same time for the next 50 years or so (if I get to live up to 80)
Why?
Because I am a Capricorn and Capricorn women will always be bad b*itches.
Take it from Michelle Obama, Mary J Blige, and VENOSHIA..
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