I came clean about whatever I was feeling for a very long
time – 7 years to be exact.
Today, I opted to write about it instead – because I don’t feel
like talking about it, recording it, or whatever.
I think I might have a relapse: the irony of having a
relapse during a pandemic, another ‘Great Depression’.
How has it been for me and in the eyes of many varies - The last three weeks or so has been overwhelming,
there were just clutter and as funny as it sounds, I was questioning the need
to speak up. LOL.
Some of you might have seen the videos of me trying out
these quizzes on IG, it was funny: I was expressive, enlivened, and EMPTY.
While I tried combatting this again in my head. Waking up
every day and getting myself out of bed was a struggle despite having the
closest people around me at home. I have started a new job, a new challenge, and
yet still IDLE.
My mind, emotions, and spirit were vacant – as I struggled to
fill it up with home projects, DIYs, reorganizing, recipes, books, articles and
IKEA to fill the little empty corners.
Maybe those were a little too much for ‘small corners’ so I
opted for comics, videos, memes, VADIVELOO (famous Tamil comedian). NOPE.
It is indeed funny how even Vadiveloo’s comedy couldn’t fill
me up isn’t it?
While I pulled myself together to make everyone laugh and
feel comfortable. I scrambled.
As much as I am grateful for every blessing I have today – I
was still feeling caved.
Today, I was advised to start off my day penning down the
little things that made me feel happy every day.
I took out my notebook and a pen to start before I could
recall the date –I was ‘crying me a river’ again.
I was in my room, on my bed, with a wet page of the notebook
that was supposed to kick start my journey to feeling better – the door was half-open, I could hear my sister taking her call from the outside.
I kept it down, very silent, not even sniffling- because the last thing I want to do again was to distract someone from their
responsibilities with the emotions I had within me.
And then suddenly…
‘TICK TICK ‘
Arlo.
He peeped through the little space I left with the door, with
his head titled.
It felt as if he spoke to me.
“Are you ok hooman?”
I was amused, touched and that made me smile a little.
I have laid out these panels in every room, coz Arlo is
territorial and likes to leave his ‘mark’ everywhere.
Somehow this boy pushed the panel with his little paws and
reached out to me. I got out of bed (after 4 hrs) and lifted him up. He slobbered
me with his puppy breath licks.
In all that battle and smile I carved as a façade, he recognized
my silence.
And today, that made me a little happy inside.
A little backstory just
as an FYI
Arlo’s nails grow
really fast, believe me, he went to the groomers last Monday after they resumed
business.
‘Tick
Tick’ was a nickname we gave him during the lockdown, inspired by the
sound of his overgrown nails when he walks around. It has a certain
‘rhythm’ to it –
all depending on the little sausage’s mood.
As much as I tried
doing things on my own during the lockdown – the one thing I dare not do is to cut his nails.
